Misadventures Interlude: Voicemail
by Fusion-Corsair
Summary: The most ambiguously canon fic in the Misadventures series... What sort of messages do our Earthrealm-bound kombatants(aside from the gods themselves) have on their phones' voicemails? Rated T for... You know. Finished!
1. Markus X

_**Well... I intended to make one or two more interludes before getting to Misadventures 3. This one can be considered ambiguously canon as a fic in the Kombatant universe, so far as things go. This fic features the voicemails of Markus X, Mileena, Skarlet, Jubei, Khameleon, Reptile, Parsek, Glace, Jade, Liu Kang, Kai, Kitana, Sareena, and Serina! Enjoy!**_

Yo! It's Markus X. Sorry I missed your call... Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks.

_You have ten unheard messages._

(Beep)

Heyo! It's Skarlet. Just wanted to thank you for the iPhones you gave me and Mileena! Thanks again!

(Beep)

Markus, it is I, Raiden. We need to have a discussion about these magazines I found underneath your bed...

(Beep)

Markusssss, It'sssss Reptile. Could you kindly get myssssself and Khameleon sssssome warmer sssssheetsssss? We are cold-blooded, after all.

(Beep)

Hey, baby... It's me, your one and only girlfriend. Meet me in the bedroom shortly...

(Beep)

Jade here. Kitana is getting the women together to go shopping. Mind asking if Khameleon, Mileena, or Skarlet are interested in joining us?

(Beep)

Why do Mileena and Skarlet get iPhones, but myself and Jade are stuck with these annoying flip phones? I am princess of Edenia! I deserve better!

(Beep)

Yo Markus, my man! It's Emcee. You still up for dodgeball tomorrow?

(Beep)

This is Microsoft tech support. How may I help you?

(Beep)

KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!

(Beep)

Someone put an ancient Japanese katana for sale on eBay. Should I purchase it as a gift for my similarly-named girlfriend?

(Beep)

_No more messages._


	2. Mileena

**We began with Markus X... Now, it's time to reach over to the other paradigm, and see who's been calling Miss Mileena.**

Why hello there... You have reached the voicemail of Mileena, the sexiest woman in Outworld. Leave me a message and I'll _definitely_ try to get back to you as soon as possible.

_You have fourteen messages._

(Beep)

Someone said they saw me wearing a yellow and black outfit... If I EVER see Tanya, men won't be the only thing she takes between her legs...

(Beep)

Yo Mel! Johnny Cage... Me and some producers were working on a movie and we needed a sexy, deadly, monstrous woman to play the part of the villain. Good pay and as much raw meat as you want. Call me back with an answer please!

(Beep)

Miss Mileena? The Viagra you ordered has come in.

(Beep)

Did you spike my drink, babe? That was a mind-blowing lovemaking session, but I'd rather be charmed into doing it than forced.

(Beep)

Parsek and I need supplies for the karate class next week. Otherwise I will never be able to teach these students the flaming bicycle kick...

(Beep)

It's Sareena... I hope you have an empty stomach when you come home. I have cheesecake.

(Beep)

Now there are two Sareenas or Serinas or whatever... Am I going to have to change my name, or will everyone remember I am not the demoness?

(Beep)

You were close to my father... Would you mind talking with me about his current state and/or whereabouts? I also need some attire similar to his own to symbolize that I am a Shirai Ryu.

(Beep)

It's Skarlet. You want your tea hot or iced?

(beep)

I must admit, I am slightly jealous that you actually have a boyfriend, but mine is still far superior...

(Beep)

I have a question for you... Who is Frost, and why did she attempt to kill me several weeks ago?

(Beep)

I need to go shopping... Tasia may have been an evil bitch, but I liked her halter tops. We ladies should get new clothes soon.

(Beep)

Do you like waffles?

(Beep)

A quessssstion... Were Khameleon and I to begin a new brood of Zaterransssss, would that ssssstop usssss from being able to due our dutiesssss asssss the bodyguardsssss of your mate?

(Beep)

_No more messages._


	3. Skarlet

**Ooooo. Kinky. Anyways, time to look at Skarlet, the crimson corset-wearing crusader of Outworld.**

Hi, this is Skarlet. Please pour your messages into my voicemail and I'll be sure to take whatever sustenance they have. Later!

_You have twelve unheard messages._

(Beep)

It's Mileena. Me and Markus wanted to have a three-way soon. Are you interested?

(Beep)

I've got no problem with a three-way as long as you don't scare me with another pregnancy hoax. Once is enough, Skar.

(Beep)

You wanna buy some death sticks?

(Beep)

Jade here... As bodyguards of our respected princesses, I wanted to have a talk with you and Glace soon.

(Beep)

Thanks for trying my cheesecake yesterday! I hoped you'd like the strawberry topping...

(Beep)

Someone suggested that once this is all over, you should hook up with Noob Saibot. Both of you dissolve into liquid after all, though that may just be my cyborg parts missing the mark...

(Beep)

This is the local police department. We've received complaints about a hot, red-haired, large-chested woman sexually harassing men in the area, and we want to have a talk with you...

(Beep)

I have foreseen something very unusual, Skarlet... You will date Sub-Zero.

(Beep)

Johnny Cage here! I got a pair of spare tickets for the Jerry Springer show. You wanna take one of them? Mileena and Markus are busy from what I hear...

(Beep)

I just had the most horrible nightmare... I was fighting Frost, then Sapphire stabbed me! Ask Raiden if he could give me some advice on how to stop these bad dreams.

(Beep)

Marty from Chili's here. Just wanted to say that Bloody Marys are fifty percent off this weekend. I know you're a fan, so I thought I'd let you know.

(Beep)

I found a number for Scarlett Johansson in the phone book. Are you her?

(Beep)

_No more new messages._


	4. Jubei

**Next on our list would seem to be the son of the Netherrealm revenant himself, Jubei Hasashi.**

Hello. You have reached the phone of Jubei Hanzo Hasashi, Shirai Ryu and son of Hanzo and Kana Hasashi. I cannot answer the phone at the moment, but do leave me a message and I shall attempt to get back to you as soon as possible.

_You have eleven unheard messages._

(Beep)

Hello, hello! Testing to make sure your voicemail works. For a sec there, I thought you didn't have a voicemail. Would've had to talk to you about that.

(Beep)

It's Johnny Cage. I heard you wanted tips on how to pick the babes up?

(Beep)

I have faith in your abilities, Jubei, as do Raiden and Atraya.

(Beep)

I am so glad you were not Tanya... I would have torn your throat out if you were.

(Beep)

Hi, it's Serina. The blood one. Just wanted to let everyone know that my name is Heleena now. Too much confusion with my old name... Stupid Nitya.

(Beep)

I didn't know she thought me having a similar name was that big of a problem..

(Beep)

I am not a Cryomancer, to answer your question from earlier.

(Beep)

Jubei, would you kindly come down here? I need some snuggling since Markus has gone to check on Parsek and the others.

(Beep)

Skarlet... I made some red velvet cake. Want me to save you a slice? I dyed it red with my own blood, but don't tell the others... It's just food coloring.

(Beep)

I just realized something: one of Jade's outfits looks like Princess Leia's metal bikini from Return of the Jedi. I hope Markus X doesn't hear me notice that...

(Beep)

I'm pregnant... And Liu Kang is the father! Just kidding.

(Beep)

_You have no more unread messages._


	5. Khameleon

**With the son of Scorpion out of the way, we can continue on to our next kombatant: Khameleon!**

Hi, this isssss Khameleon. Leave a note and I will call back asssss quickly as I can.

_You have ten unheard messages._

(Beep)

It'sssss me, sssssweetcheeksssss. Care to have sssssome fun later?

(Beep)

Someone claims Baraka and I are dating! Please rectify this immediately...

(Beep)

It's Kitana. Do NOT tell Mileena that I started the rumor Baraka and her were dating!

(Beep)

Johnny Cage here... We're doing a movie involving reptilian aliens from the future. I was wondering if you and Reptile might be interested.

(Beep)

Skarlet. Wasn't there a male Chameleon? I remember you, but I could've sworn there was a guy who appeared ahead of you in Shao Kahn's palace...

(Beep)

I still intend to rip Tanya's throat out the next time I see her...

(Beep)

Resistance is futile.

(Beep)

Think I should make faceplates just in case anyone tries to kiss or bite any of our faces off? The armor I was wearing did save me from that bisexual hooker Tanya.

(Beep)

Wait... None of you have implants? That's amazing!

(Beep)

It's Heleena. I was wondering what you wanted for Christmas. Anything specific you had in mind?

(Beep)

_No more messages._


	6. Reptile

**With one reptile out of the way, let's see who's been calling MK's original secret kharacter, shall we?**

Reptile here. Leave the note. Will call back eventually. Bye.

_You have thirteen new messages._

(Beep)

It's me, sssssweetheart. When will we begin making a new brood of Sssssaurians? Our race cannot survive indefinitely if we do nothing to propagate it.

(Beep)

So wait... You and Khameleon are my bodyguards. If Khameleon has kids, does that make me their godfather?

(Beep)

Markus brought the PS3 over. Want to play some Gran Turismo 5?

(Beep)

I brought chocolate. Ignore the blood stains. That's just me.

(Beep)

Ser... I mean, Heleena here. The blood on the chocolate is actually mine. Skarlet and I had a little blood sister ritual...

(Beep)

Doctor Johann Aschwader calling on behalf of the Outworld Investigation Agency. We would like to examine you and see how you can turn invisible naturally. You will be paid well for your trouble.

(Beep)

I just noticed... You have shorter teeth than Baraka and I.

(Beep)

I am close to constructing my official Shirai Ryu uniform, assuming my father's is not found soon.

(Beep)

Johnny Cage here... Khameleon accepted the deal for the movie. You interested too?

(Beep)

You give a new meaning to the term "acid-washing."

(Beep)

Markus found some music he believes would suit you. It was made by a man known as Skrillex...

(Beep)

WITH SAVINGS!

(Beep)

I just had a terrible dream!. I was dressed in a yellow and black leotard that made me look like a bumblebee... Oh wait. That was Tanya.

(Beep)

_No more messsssagesssss._


	7. Parsek

**The Saurians are done with... Time to see what Parsek's been up to.**

Eyo! It's Parsek! Leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!

_You have fifteen unheard messages._

(Beep)

Yo, it's Markus! Swing by my house later today. You left your jacket with me and Emcee.

(Beep)

Have you been sleeping with Tanya?

(Beep)

Johnny Cage here... I need a guy to help my senior mokap man out for my new movie. You gotta help me, man... Liu and Kai already said no.

(Beep)

You're ice. I mean nice.

(Beep)

THE DA-LEKS SHALL EX-TER-MI-NATE ALL HU-MANS!

(Beep)

I would like you to teach members of the Shirai Ryu when my father's clan is returned to the realm of the living.

(Beep)

Hey, it's Heleena. You know, Serina? Before I changed my name? Just telling you I changed it. That's all.

(Beep)

Liu and Kitana, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-AUGH!

(Beep)

Do you have any healing salve? Kai was attempting to make a joke about my relationship with Kitana, and she gashed him with her fans.

(Beep)

NO ONE JOKES ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP AND GOES UNPUNISHED!

(Beep)

Hi, you've just won a free trip to the Caribbean, courtesy of... Never mind. Tell Markus to return Sub-Zero's cyborg armor. Soon.

(Beep)

Sareena here... Do you have any advice for how to talk to Ser... I mean, Heleena?

(Beep)

BOOBIES!

(Beep)

Someone thought a bottle of blood was strawberry sauce... What should I do?

(Beep)

Texas State Police Department. We received a call about a woman dressed in bandages streaking through your front lawn, and would like permission to investigate.

(Beep)

_Thankfully, you have no more messages._


	8. Glace

**Ice ice, baby... It's time to see who's been calling the newest of the female ninjas: Glace.**

Hey, it's Glace! Nice to get your call! I'm probably cooling down at the moment, so leave me a message and I'll get back to you soon! Bye!

_You have eleven unheard messages._

(Beep)

You control snow. Tanya controls fire. Want to help me hunt her down?

(Beep)

Yo! It's Markus! Just wanted to say that Parsek likes you. A lot. I heard from a confirmed source... Oh, and in case you're wondering, I did NOT bug his house with small microphones.

(Beep)

Johnny Cage here... We're shooting out in Death Valley and need a new air conditioner. Could you come out here and cool us off? You'll be well-paid.

(Beep)

Hey, Glace. It's Parsek... Just wanted to ask if maybe you'd be interested in going out to eat tomorrow. Just you and me, a fancy restaurant, and a star-lit sky...

(Beep)

We are playing a game of Strip Consequences over at Markus's house. Jade and I intend to "clean house" as Earthrealmers say, and we want you to help us.

(Beep)

Do not tell Liu Kang about last night... I failed my teacher and fell into Kitana and Jade's trap. Now they have pictures...

(Beep)

Markus has yet to explain to myself and Raiden what an "answering machine" is... Please give me an answer.

(Beep)

It's Heleena. I'm going to prank Jade by turning myself into Tanya. Don't tell her about this...

(Beep)

You are a very cold-hearted person, Glace. Literally.

(Beep)

BIKINIS!

(Beep)

You remind me of my mother, Glace. She had no powers, but had well-chiseled features, just like you.

(Beep)

_No more messages._


	9. Jade

**The Tanya-hunting assassin herself finally gets her voicemail... It's Jade!**

Hi, this is Jade. If I cannot pick up, it's likely because I am hunting down Tanya. Leave a message and I will get back to you.

_You have eleven unheard messages._

(Beep)

You wanted me to make something to help you get Tanya? I can do that... Got some empty pneumatic rams I think'll work very nicely for what you have in mind, though I think staff-raping her's a better option.

(Beep)

I intend to give Tanya amnesty when she is found... I will chain her by the throat and keep her as a slave girl for the warriors to enjoy. Do NOT kill her, Jade.

(Beep)

It's Skarlet... Sorry, but I'm not really interested in hunting down a woman who's done nothing to me.

(Beep)

Threaten me again with the Tanya nonsense and it will be the last mistake you ever make.

(Beep)

I do not care at all about your petty feudsssss, Jade. Do not call me again about that.

(Beep)

Ssssstop harrasssssing my mate with your sssssilly and insssssolent phone callsssss, Jade.

(Beep)

What? No! Tanya scares me... It's like she has some sort of fantasy about being a bumblebee, and I hate bumblebees.

(Beep)

Skarlet told me about the call you made to her... I'll decline on the hunt for Tanya, thank you very much.

(Beep)

Dat ass...

(Beep)

Johnny Cage here, baby... Me and some of the guys that aren't in a committed relationship are going to the strip club. I heard you're an excellent pole dancer, and wanted to see if maybe you'd be interested in dancing for us.

(Beep)

Emcee. You busted my balls last night with your staff... er, pole.

(Beep)

_No more messages._


	10. Liu Kang

**It's the moment I know some of you have been waiting for for a while now... Liu Kang's voicemail.**

Hello... This is the Shaolin monk Liu Kang. Please leave me a message and I will try to get back to you as quickly as I can. Thank you.

_You have twelve new messages._

(Beep)

Hey, Liu. It's Parsek. Are you and Kai still up for teaching my students the Dragon Kick?

(Beep)

Master, do we have to teach all of them the technique? I would rather not have to deal with that Justin Bayver man-child.

(Beep)

I need you so badly right now, Liu... Oh, and do you know who dressed Jade in a Tanya outfit while she was sleeping? She is extremely agitated...

(Beep)

IF I EVER FIND OUT WHO DRESSED ME UP AS THIS BACKSTABBING WENCH, I WILL DECAPITATE THEM AND STICK THEIR HEAD ON MY STAFF FOR ALL TO SEE!

(Beep)

Skarlet here. Don't tell anyone, but me and Se... I mean, Heleena, dressed Jade up as Tanya.

(Beep)

Tell Parsek thanks for letting us use some of the herbs in his garden for our sleeping potion.

(Beep)

Man, we still up for another Mortal Kombat gaming tournament? Winner gets to make an unlockable character for the MK game sequel.

(Beep)

Kitana has better-cut attire than I do. Tell her I appreciate her letting me try it on.

(Beep)

Yo Liu... I was wondering if you wanted to trade and grade stories on how Raiden backstabbed you. I know both of us are cool with him now, but I want to know what he did to you.

(Beep)

ALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!

(Beep)

Thanksgiving's only a few weeks away. Special Forces members at OIA headquarters are celebrating. You and everyone else are invited.

(Beep)

Trust the Elder Gods, Liu Kang. They will help us in the battle.

(Beep)

_You have zero new messages._


	11. Kai

_**Kai never seemed to be that prominent of a Shaolin monk, but hey, at least he has a voicemail!**_

This is Kai, of the Shaolin monks. Please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

_You have ten unheard messages._

(Beep)

You're good with the Khukri. I've never seen someone carve a training dummy up so quickly with that particular weapon.

(Beep)

Markus called and told me that Lord Raiden had nearly shorted out one of his machines. Please give him a call and make sure his cell phone was not destroyed by the discharge.

(Beep)

Jade... I know I have been calling people recently about Tanya, but I could use something to help take my mind off of that wench... Would you be interested in coming with me to a hamburger restaurant tomorrow evening?

(Beep)

I know you said no on helping me with motion-capture, but would ya at least be willing to take a role in the movie? We need extras that can actually fight!

(Beep)

You need body armor... I'd be willing to hook you up with a friend of mine, if you're interested.

(Beep)

Being that we are now blood sisters, and that I know you typically are available, Skarlet and I wondered if you would like to have a conversation soon about how life is going.

(Beep)

Jade invited you on a date. I hope you have more healing salve available...

(Beep)

I heard about your date with Jade. All I can ask is one question: was it good for you?

(Beep)

I know who and what Raiden, Atraya, and Fujin are, but could you possibly tell me more than merely that? You know them better than I do.

(Beep)

Ragin' Cajuns should be renamed the Ragin' Asians!

(Beep)

_No more messages, fortunately._


	12. Kitana

_**Kitana's next. That is all.**_

Hello there... This is Kitana, princess of Edenia. Leave me a voicemail and I will get back to you as soon as I can. Thank you...

_You have twelve unheard messages._

(Beep)

Johnny Cage here... My new studio, Rage in the Cage Productions, is making a game based off of the two tournaments and Shao Kahn's invasion. I was wondering if you, Jade, and the others wanted to be involved in motion-capture, live trailers, and voice acting for it. It's called Mortal Kombat.

(Beep)

Did you hear, sister? Johnny Cage is making a game all about us!

(Beep)

I hope Tanya does not try to cash in on any royalties...

(Beep)

Sonya. We at the OIA don't want everyone to know everything that happened in regards to the tournament... Have Atraya bring you to the Special Forces headquarters so we can tell you what not to tell Cage's studio.

(Beep)

I only get a cameo carrying in Motaro's corpse? Come on... I had a whole fricking misadventure go on there!

(Beep)

I was Shao Kahn's most personal assassin... And I never fight onscreen even once? What's Cage trying to do here?

(Beep)

I sssssaw the beginning of the campaign mode demo. Apparently, the firsssst fight is me againssssst Johnny Cage. Why am I not sssssurprisssssed?

(Beep)

Hi, dearest... I, along with my apprentice, are going to do motion-capture work for the Mortal Kombat game. I want you and Jade to come with us. Please... We haven't had personal time together in quite a while.

(Beep)

Hi, Kitana. It's Kai. Could you tell Jade that I greatly enjoyed our evening at the hamburger restaurant?

(Beep)

A two-dimensional "Arkade Kombat" mode as well as the three-dimensional campaign? This is going to be one epic game.

(Beep)

BABIES!

(Beep)

Your story is not yet over, Kitana, as are the stories of the other kombatants...

(Beep)

_No more messages..._


	13. Sareena

_**Sinister Sareena, Sweet Sareena... Whatever you think of her, here's the demoness's voicemail.**_

Hi, this is Sareena. I'm currently busy enjoying the fruits of Earthrealm, so leave me a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

_You have ten unheard messages._

(Beep)

Do not question me, Sareena! Heh... I need to practice my lines for voicing Quan Chi, since I personally only get a cameo role in the campaign bringing Motaro in. Want to help me?

(Beep)

Hi, it's Heleena... I want to apologize for being overdramatic in regards to the whole us having similar names thing, but truthfully, I like the name Heleena better now.

(Beep)

Glace... I know we haven't talked much, but I would really appreciate it if you could tell me more about Sub-Zero.

(Beep)

Johnny Cage here... We're already planning DLC for the game. We're thinking two, maybe three packs, and I want you to be in one of em. You willing to do that?

(Beep)

This is Raiden, using Markus X's phone. I heard that Johnny Cage invited you to participate in the creation of downloadable content based off of the story of the Elder Sub-Zero and his quest to stop Shinnok. Tell him that I and Fujin are willing to assist him in making the project as accurate as possible.

(Beep)

I haven't had to work this hard with my martial arts training in a long time... But hey, the mokap's getting done.

(Beep)

Jubei... The two current downloadable content packs have been confirmed: the Mythologies pack, adding Shinnok, you and your sisters, and the elder Sub-Zero as playable characters while giving new outfits to Raiden and Quan Chi, and the Misadventures pack, adding Markus X, Neksus, and Skarlet as playable characters and giving Mileena a pair of new outfits. I am glad that I was given the chance to motion-capture for my father.

(Beep)

Do not tell Liu this, but some of the extras in this game are quite cute...

(Beep)

ASIANS!

(Beep)

When you come back from motion-capturing, could you bring some cheesecake mix and a pie crust with you? I don't know how, but you make excellent cheesecake.

(Beep)

_No more messages..._


	14. SerinaHeleenaWhatever Her Name Is

_**And so we come to the end of a wonderful short series I've enjoyed writing with Heleena's voicemail!**_

Hi, my name is Heleena. Not Serina, but Heleena. Leave me a message and I'll respond soon. Thank you!

_You have eleven unheard messages._

(Beep)

Johnny Cage, wanting to say that you and everyone else are all invited to the big debut of Mortal Kombat on store shelves! My gift to you, since all of you were willing to put so much effort into the game.

(Beep)

I made some cheesecake... Hope you enjoyed a slice!

(Beep)

Heya, sis, how's it going? Johnny wants to promote the DLC packs they'll be releasing a few months after the game. I was hoping that you could dress up as one of the characters not around anymore... We'll use makeup so you don't bleed.

(Beep)

So, what do you think about the gameplay? IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE GAMEPLAY! IT'S GODDAMN AWESOME!

(Beep)

So, how does it feel to be a celebrity?

(Beep)

I'm stoked... Not only did Cage have an awesome party; he also gave several copies of the "Komplete Edition" away, with both DLC packs! I got a copy, and so did Parsek!

(Beep)

The x-ray attacks are unrealistic, but amazingly well done. I sometimes wonder how it must look like underneath their skin when I kick someone.

(Beep)

Mmm... The fatalities were excellent. I can barely wait to play the game with Markus and tear some heads off.

(Beep)

They're already planning a sequel!

(Beep)

John Saibot here. We've got an entire amazing story prepared for the next game, Mortal Kombat X. Plenty of new characters, new features, and new arenas...

(Beep)

I suppose you could say that the Genesis of this next story's going to be quite... attractive...

(Beep)

_No more messages..._

**_Well... It's been an interesting Voicemail series. I look forward to writing the next Misadventures with my new partner-in-crime, someone who's written fanfic just as excellent, if not moreso than my own. Find her if you can, but don't look up front... Her own Genesis is located a few pages back. Later!_**


End file.
